AND THE WINNER IS...

Should I watch...shouldn't I watch?  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  Pop Culture vs. PBS.  Where are my values?  I'm being typically wishy-washy.  Take a stand, girl.  Decide!!!  Grimace!  Ok, I'll...I'll watch!  It's three hours out of my increasingly diminished lifespan, but I'll watch.  I click the remote and know in my heart that I've just sold my soul to the 84th Annual Academy Awards.  But, it is relevant.  It will be talked about.  It will be written about.  My grandchildren like me because I'm fairly relevant.  I have both a Facebook and Twitter accounts. Take a hit for the grandkids.

OMG...what happened to Billy Crystal?  He's squishier and doughier than I remembered.  Is he related to Truman Capote?  He's just broken into song.  Maybe a touch of dance.  NO...Don't Do That!

Tom Hanks has been introduced.  A gray beard?  Tom Hanks has a gray beard?  Not to mention an incredibly high hairline.  Hair is dark, though.  And...he is Tom Hanks.  Still cute, sweet and vulnerable.  I like him.  

"Hugo" is off to a strong start--Best Cinematography and Best Art Direction.  Of course, I haven't seen "Hugo," but I understand it's in 3-D.  I'm sorry, but 3-D just makes me slightly nauseous.

J. Lo and Cameron Diaz are strutting onto the stage.  Actually, J. Lo is strutting.  Cameron appears to be losing a last-minute wrestling match with her dress.  However, now that they are front and center with the camera, J. Lo appears to be a bit, ahem, exposed.  Actually, she must be glued or scotch-taped in...no malfunctions here.  Now, they're sexily smiling and slowly turning around...derrieres to the camera.  Oops, Cameron has lost this round also.  Panty lines.  Don't ever skimp on good underwear, Cameron.  And always remember, Spanx can be your best friend. 

"Hugo" has just walked away with two more Oscars.  Sound Editing and Sound Mixing.  How does a person grow up to be a sound mixer?  Can you  imagine the discussion his parents had with him?  You want to be a WHAT?  But, his Mom is at home right now, wiping tears of joy from her proud eyes--he can finally afford his own apartment.

Whew!  Time for a few commercials.  And, they're good!  I'm liking them better than the recent XLVII (or whatever) Super Bowl ads.  Hyundai and "jcp" have gone all out.  Now, Coke just appeared with hints of "Hooray for Hollywood" in the background.  Very thematically correct. 

Christopher Plummer has won the Supporting Actor Award.  Isn't that nice?  For 82, he's still pretty nice looking.  It's his first?  That's great.  Oh...he just opened his mouth for his acceptance speech and his ego fell out.  How disappointing.

Time for music.  I love the best song awards.  What do you mean there are only two songs this year?  That would certainly indicate a dearth of originality.  You're not performing them?  Cut your time someplace else, Academy.  The winner?  Man or Muppet, or Muppet or Man?  That was anti-climactic. 

Thank Heavens!  Ads again...I need a bit of a potty break.  Wait...that is one cool car.  And there's Ellen again with a Coke?  No...just more "jcp".  I tell you...these are good ads!

BC, hurry--Angelina Jolie's coming onstage.  She is sassy and sexy in that big full dress slit to her crotch...but something's not right.  Anglina looks thin...very thin, if not a bit drawn.  Angelina, Angelina.  There is a magic age and I think you might have just reached it, when weight loss equals a face that looks like hell.  You might think about stoking up on a few carbs when you get home tonight.  It's a fine line between gorgeous and hard, and you're crossing it.

And, Brad.  You're not off the hook.  Apparently your sweet domineering wife has cut off your feedbag also.  Remember, men can also look like hell.  You're not there yet, but it's close.  And, that hair!  You didn't have time to wash it?  Gross and Greasy, Brad.

Woody Allen has just won an Oscar and he's a no-show.  I'm not really surprised.  It's a bit like Jan Brewer standing up President Obama the other night.  A prior commitment?!?

We're moving toward the grand finale now.  Best Actress.  Meryl Streep has received seventeen Best Actress nominations but won only two awards.  Whereas, that's an enviable record, wouldn't it still make you feel kind of bad?  Why did she lose fifteen?  Has anyone else ever lost fifteen?  That's a big chunk of wasted time for her.  Oh, look...she just won.  I truly think she's surprised.  Her acceptance speech was quite nice (especially when she so sweetly thanked her husband who, in all honesty, should be kissing her feet for the millions she's brought in the front door), but I would have left out the part about half the country moaning because it was her again.  I hate to break it to her, but half the country isn't even watching her...or anyone else at these awards. 

It's a sober moment as the traditional "In Memoriam" plays out.  Frankly, the actors I grew up with are dropping like flies and I don't like it.  Farley Granger!  My sister was briefly in love with Farley Granger and had a genuine, autographed picture of him.  He was a handsome son of a gun.  Elizabeth Taylor!  Was she good looking!  The nuns at my conservative Catholic grade school were not fans of Elizabeth Taylor.  Actually, she may have been an example of someone we should NOT emulate.  Eight husbands was hard for the celibate to understand.

Oh my goodness, it's Tom Cruise.  He's still around!  Actually, I haven't liked Tom Cruise since he jumped on Oprah's couch...but, even I have to say "Tom is looking good!"  Maybe there is a benefit to Scientology.  Something's working.

During the closing moments, "The Artist" has grabbed up Best Actor and Best Movie.  I haven't seen it...nor, quite frankly have I seen any of the nominated films except "Moneyball".  It received mixed reviews at our Movie Night this past Friday which we just happened to host.  Our tally:  Two persons dead asleep as the movie ended.  One person dozing intermittently during the entire event.  Three of us still awake, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed as the closing credits rolled.  I didn't hold out much hope for it.